Baby loss and me

I am one of the many 1 in 4.

Part of the shittest club ever.

Ten times over.

Nothing will ever prepare you for it. That moment when you see the blood or the sonographer tells you "I'm so sorry." The quietness that comes before those words and terrifying and the longest moments you will endure.

It is easy to blame yourself. I know I certainly did.

What could i have done differently?

It's my fault for doing x, y, z.

If only i had come to the hospital sooner.

In a strange way it gave me comfort to have someone to blame even though I knew it was an irrational thought.

The physical and emotional pain is something that I'll carry with me forever. Every time I hear a particular song, go past the hospital or feel cold can trigger the tears to come and I struggle to stop them.

I will forever think about the babies that 'could of been' Wonder what they would have become and if they would of looked like their sisters.

A therapist once told me that a way of dealing with the grief of loosing a baby would be to write a letter to them and I wanted to share the letters that I read at our baby's funeral here

Whenever I think of you, you make me smile. In those weeks I knew you were in my tummy you made the light shine again. I felt like a cloud had lifted. The final piece of the puzzle that I couldn’t wait to meet. I had an overwhelming feeling you were a perfect, beautiful baby boy. In the hospital I had a dream where I could see your tiny chubby cheeks, you ten perfect fingers and toes. That is what I see when I remember you.

Thinking of the day we could show your sisters a picture of you in my tummy, watching their faces break into a smile and them doing their excited little dances thinking of their new baby brother or sister. It made me feel even happier and I felt butterflies in my tummy. Our rainbow baby.

You will never know how much you have done for me in your first 7 weeks. Facing that I am not ok and that I need to ask for help. That will stay with me forever and make me a better person for your daddy and sisters. That is part of your legacy little one. And for that I love you even more.

I’m not sure what I am going to do without you. I need to be strong now for your daddy and your beautiful sisters, but I want you to know that no matter where you are, you will always be part of our family. I will think of you always, see you when we are making new memories together.

Today has been one of the hardest days of my life, but it isn’t goodbye. Until we meet again precious one, Mummy loves you.

So this blog is for all my fellow 1 in 4's to show you that you are not alone and it is OK to talk about baby loss if you feel comfortable to do so.

I will be lighting my light tonight and remembering 🤍

Kelly